Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Snort, Spit and Blow, Movie Reviews

Running has for sure become a social thing more than a running thing. Not that this is all bad since it does get people off the couch and out the door. This past weekend I took some big time mental notes of what was going on prior, during and after the 15,000 person Rock N Roll half marathon in Big D Texas. Since I was there for the running portion of running, I like to get to the start line early for warm up and stretching so I took particular note of this “new era” runner. First, they really like to socialize before the event and spend a lot of time comparing notes on the latest running outfits, pre-race eating and drinking, and just useless gab that has nothing to do with why we are there. Again, not a bad thing just a different thing for us old timers who help start this boom back in the stone ages. We use to get to the start line warmed up, juiced up and ready to run as fast at the body would allow. No discussion, just run like hell and get out of my way. Now the events have a lot of walkers in them and I think that is a good thing since it pads the number of entry fees and helps pay for the event, plus “they” are doing something instead of nothing. Also, I notice the female population has really increased their running participation and that is a real good thing, especially if they are good looking. Sorry, but my selfishness for taking my mind off the running pain centers around looking at good looking women as they run. When it comes to this I do not mind the fashion, running bra and all!! Ooops back to the subject at hand!
The actual running of the event gives the more experienced runners(in other words the old timers) a chance to get with it and see how fast the motor is for the day. Some of my running friends from the past use to tell me that running with me was like running with a horse, since I snort a lot, spit a lot and blow my nose as I run. The spitting came from many years on the football turf, since footballers spit a lot, and we had real grass and dirt to spit on. I try to avoid hitting some other runners with it but with 15,000 how do you have enough space? The snorting is no problem, just goes with the sound of running. Then there is the nose blowing, something that just comes naturally for me when I run. I use the “put my thumb” on the opposite nostril that I am blowing from(a man thing, since I never see a women blow their nose that way) method and it causes a projectile of snot that can annoy others I am sure. But, this is a runners perogitive and I do my best not to hit someone else, but again with a sea of runners how do you have enough space. During this last race I know I hit a few people with it but they didn’t seem to care. If a runner looks like they are in my age group I try to hit right before they take a step so they might slip a little and give me an edge in placing higher in the age group. The problem with that is that my age group is that “old” group I mentioned and they are very clever about avoiding any kind of contact. With the spitting there is a little more control and not near as many people get hit by my spit bombs. Warning, don’t bug me when I am running!
While the race has all forms of activities going on in it the newer races now have live bands and lots of activities going on during the race. Again a very social atmosphere! While this is fine and dandy it also takes away from why we are really there. I am not there to hear the latest hot tune or to even sing along with the music or to talk about the latest fashions, I am there, by God, to run, snort, spit, blow my nose, sweat, hurt, de-hydrate, ache, cramp, and generally feel very bad at the end. This is simply because that is what this thing called “running and racing” is all about. It is called a “good feel, bad feeling!” A way of life or possibly a life style! Who cares just get out of my way, my left hand is moving to my left nostril, beware!!
EA(u ole runner u!), SH,..........:),
Movie Reviews: “Descendents” *****, This was an Academy Award winner and very deserving. George Clooney stars and does an excellent job. The story revolves around the tragic accident involving his wife who is rendered comatose after the accident and the struggles the surviving husband(Clooney) experiences with the two daughters and other dramas brought to light. Rated PG-13, family drama, language, somewhat depressing.
“The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” ****, This movie stars new actress Rooney Mara, and the James Bond guy, Daniel Craig. Excellent movie with lots of international intrigue and myster. Rated R-sexual scenes(soft porn), language, violence.
“Wanderlust”, ***, This is a very funny movie with lots of humor but a good story line. It stars Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston as an over extended, stressed out Manhattan couple who leave the city trying to find the a way to make a living. They stumble upon a group of people, formerly called “hippies” in the 60’s, and find a new way of life. One of the scenes with Rudd is a rib cracker with humor. Rated R for sexual content, graphic nudity, language and drug use.
“Casa de Mi Padre” Zero rating, Will Ferrell has probably made more bad movies than any good actor I know. This has got to be the all time worst and I wonder, “how did I sit through this bag of garbage?” There was only one other person in the movie house watching it. The movie is in spainish with the narrative at the bottom of the screen spelled out. It is 100% spainish cast except Ferrell who is supposed to be spainish with blue eyes. It is so stupid it really makes me feel even more stupid for watching it. The drama is about his family about to lose their large ranch, then it goes bad from there. Rated R for bloody violence, language, some sexual content and drug use. If you go see it after this review God rest your soul!

Monday, March 05, 2012

The Conductor, Movie Reviews

How can something the size of a walnut have so much power over a healthy life style and have the gall to interfere with a good nights sleep or an active sex life. Well let me tell you folks out there that little dude has received a special name and designation from me and I am proud to share it. The prostate gland sits in such a cozy little place in the human body that it has tremendous influence on what goes on around the sexual activity and passing of the urine that I have re-named it “The Conductor.” The conductor on the passenger trains used to be the person who made everything happen for its’ passengers and even gave the green light for the train to start moving. He was always a “he”, but had on those snappy little black suits, white shirt and a black bow tie. Now I am not proposing that the little walnut that sits down there all decked out in black, but you know it wouldn’t surprise me if it is.
The conductor of the male body sits at such a strategic point that it has a strangle hold on the uretha and can affect the bladder in very negative ways. Since the uretha itself has some fairly large duties and prides itself in being able to pass semen and urine to the respective outlets it becomes very irritated when ole bully walnut squeezes it off and won’t let it function properly. It has been nick named the “Double Teamer,” by those in the know. So, then the captain of the ship(human male body person) gets really irritated when the sex life and passing of urine does not happen as it should. Also, not to mention having to pass urine in the worst possible time or the opposite of not being able to pass urine at the most opportune time.
Since all males over the age of about 60(give or take a few years per individual) start to experience the possible difficulties of the conductor, my purpose here is to shout out and let you know that this is all very normal. The walnut gland is the only gland that continues to grow in the body, so the longer we live the larger it gets. Now to take control of the Mr. Fatty conductor there are options starting with drugs that shrink it(with side affects most of us do not want, i.e. it affects our sex life, so then we have to take other drugs to offset that) or the ole roto rooter method of shaving the excess fat off with a metal shaving device, which causes some side affects, long recovery, and lots of bleeding. Now comes along the modern day treatment of reducing the walnut with a laser treatment that is a one hour procedure, recovery is much quicker, blood loss much less, and should be good for 7 years. With acronym names such as, TURP, Green Light, and HoLap, sounds like fun to me!
Now as the “Conductor” says, “all aboard Mr. Laserman, take charge and go after that dude that has gone from walnut size to small apple size!” Note: Is that where the term, “not comparing apples to apples came from?”
Movie Reviews:
“Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance”, **, While I like Nicolas Cage this part and this character is just so stupid. He has sold his soul to the devil(kind of like our politicians) so every time he wants to fight evil he turns into burning fire while riding his motorcycle. So, he rides around getting the bad guys while blowing out fire from his mouth. At the end of the day he is tired of this mission in life and wants out of the deal. You must go see it to find out if he does, either way there will be a sequel. Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of action and violence, some disturbing images, and language.
“My Week With Marilyn”, ****, An excellent movie about Marilyn Monroe and the week that Colin Clark entered into the film business, as a young 23 year old. This is based on a true story of the week that Clark spent with Marilyn after her husband Marvin Miller left for out of town business. He was her go to person for everything that made her life more complete in between movie scenes. After all she invented the word, “Diva!” Rated R for some language.
“This Means War”, ***, A clever movie but nothing more than three stars. Two CIA agents get put on leave because of their last disasterous assignment and in their boredom they just happen to go after the same good looking young blonde lady, played by Reese Witherspoon. They(Chris Pine, Tom Hardy) use all of their professional gimmicks to win over the girl. Go see to see who wins the contest! Rated PG-13 for sexual content including references, some violence and actions, and for language.
“Chronicle”, **, A low budget movie about mid-western youth who have super natural powers. Unknown actors and a weird movie. Not worth a premium ticket. I was there because it was the only movie starting at the time I arrived and I get senior rates. Rated PG-13 for intense action and violence, thematic material, some language, sexual content and teen drinking.
“The Vow”, ***, A good love story based on a married woman who loses all her memory after a terrible auto wreck. When she awakens she doesn’t remember being married or her husband. So, the film centers around him trying to revive her memory. Rachel McAdams plays the young wife and Channing Tatum plays her husband. If you like love stories with lots of drama this is a good one. Rated PG-13 for a car accident scene, sexual content, partial nudity and some language.
EA, SH.......:),